Clandestine Affair

Change

2010-08-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to change without a slight conscious effort? I'm currently working in our business yet it feels like I'm sucked in to this arena that I became a bitchy boss. I remember one of my ex-officemate who told me that she cannot imagine me "bitchy" because it doesn't seem like my nature. And so I wonder....

I'm naturally a peace lover but this system makes me distrust people...though I hate to....now I don't think twice anymore.

I certainly would not want to be described as that. Though honestly I don't seem to care what others think anymore...it is that I became numb to society's judgment.

I want to be nice.... But I want to be a good manager.

But how can you be both...?

Wordless

2009-08-13T08:27:00.001-07:00

Perfection

2009-08-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

My word for the day:

I am currently listening to Katy Perry's Thinking of you, the last word that etched my mind: Perfection. The beauty of the word feels profound to hear especially in relation to events, situation, creation. Perfection is one of things that reflects beauty. Perfection is also deemed unattainable to some...or maybe we are continuously evolving, we find better things in life eventually.

I keep measuring myself with perfection and I'm actually far from it...but honestly, I don't seem to mind. I can't be perfect...I can't reach that perfection that in the end, I couldn't hope for more.

I like hoping, I like dreaming...for better things. I want to be satisfied and yet know how everyday I can still improve. Guess I got a lifetime to experience that.

Signifie pour etre...

Do what you have to do

2009-07-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

Sarah Mclachlan's
Do what you have to do

Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do ...
And I have the sense to recognize that
I dont know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
Im ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
That I dont know how
To let you go
I dont know how
To let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within Im shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I cant be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I cant be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I dont know how to let you go
I dont know how to let you go
I dont know how to let you go

Something to ponder upon

2009-07-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

Love

There is always someone in the world waiting for someone else, whether in the middle of the desert or in the heart of some big city. And when these two people’s paths cross and their eyes meet, the whole of the past and the whole of the future lose all importance, and there only exists that moment and that incredible certainty that everything under the Sun was written by the very same Hand. The Hand that awakens Love and creates a sister soul for everyone who works, rests and seeks treasures under the Sun. Were it not for this, the dreams of the human race would make no sense.

Rant about competitors (Quaipo secrets)

2009-06-27T05:25:00.000-07:00

YES! I'm the daughter of one of the owners of the shop in Hidalgo in Quaipo Manila...and I hate what our competitor is doing...and I can't even rant about what he is doing in forums because people will think I'm being biased (naninira) or something...oh come on...why would I care to do that? The only problem is we can't seem to answer back his doings (he kept telling his customers bad things about our store while he gets away tricking his customers)

He is none other than RAMON of Mayer's Photo!! Infamous for his rudeness...and yet people think they are good if they were able to get good offers from him.....

I don't care if he read this or not...I just want to tell other people what he does!!

He gives the CHEAPEST offer, gives so much freebies, but heck, people don't know he changes his lenses from CDSC to grey or the generic batteries and sell the original separately. Of course, some would say proof?? Do people check?? No! Because the they really know the difference...I'm not saying they are ignorant....not all are professional photograhers...a lot are newbies....thus..maybe tricked...and though out of 10 people who bought, if ever two returns and complains, he would apologize and say "oh maybe my sales demo gave you the wrong one" and give them the original! See?? He can easily appease people with that...not all people are smart consumers...they will still come back and think..."yea maybe he made a mistake, not sadya or something, plus he gave us freebies...blah blah blah" He is forgiven and his tricks repeated.

There are a lot of avid buyers of Mayer, they still go back to him, of course thinking "mura e!!?!?!" and yet TRUE BUSINESS HONESTY is not implemented. Seldom do they complain thinking yea...MISTAKE LANG!!?! Yea right!?!?! PINAPALITAN KASI AGAD...well not knowing niloko na sila in the first place that's why he swap you a new one!

I couldn't complain...I know the business, I know the tricks but we do not do that. I keep telling my parents, don't follow his style...it's not honest...and we do not fight back to his level....he keep saying we do not have warranty etc etc and people believe?!? am i frustrated? Actually yes...but couldn't seem to fight back directly...because I seem to be a sore competitor!!

And all I do is rant in my blog, with very few traffic...with few readers who might read this....well..I hope I can warn other people......

Christmas season

2008-12-22T17:50:00.000-08:00

A day more...I'm almost home! yey!!!!!!!!
I think I should stop shopping already...but I was not shopping selfishly..almost all are gifts!
Off to Orchard later...I think I've scanned almost all malls..I'm actually sick of seeing sale....It's still expensive for me.

Broken promises

2008-11-24T05:15:00.000-08:00

Ok..just last blog entry, I promised to myself not to drink anymore and yet..to much temptation so I was once again on a high last week's company party. I do not actually remember everything I have said so I do hope they also forgot what weird things I was saying..
This week is kind of slow..of course because I do not know why I am doing some never ending reports...I hate to rant. So I stop here about work.
I believe I'm drifting, floating...I need direction. Let me think it over the weekend. And the possibility of finding the Happy Pizza in Cambodia will be a blast (I think I have tendencies of an addict hihi)..either way..I know I have friends around to look after me and vice versa!

A time to reflect and see the wonder of ancient history....Angkor Wat, here I come!

Remnants

2008-11-15T05:02:00.000-08:00

What's with the title? I guess I was thinking about all those drinks I've been lavishly pouring down my throat...I think I was too game with anything so I would likely be seen getting high first in any occasion I tried detoxing...with 6 oranges! It was refreshing but I think it wasn't enough.

Well, drinking makes us feel so high then anything goes for everybody which is fun! Unless you're the only one acting all childish/wild/uncontrollable.....Hearing laughter, giggling, a whole lot of people swirling around seems so fine that time..you don't see judging eyes..just people having fun.

We were using the Magic Sing again last night, but I dread the hoarseness of my voice came out too loud..I wish there were more song...all those oldie songs were a staple the whole night and we had no choice. Roxette, Take that, Aerosmith, Queens...the list goes on.

I need to set a limit. I will pretend that I've reached the limit already so people won't bother to give/challenge me for some more...I think I had enough to last me a lifetime. My motto these days..DETOX!!

Poetic Memory

2008-11-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

"The brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory and which records everything that charms or touches us, that makes our lives beautiful. Love begins at the point when a woman [man] enters her [his] first word into our poetic memory."- Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera)

There's this one interesting phrase that I left an impression on me. I read it a few times before when I read Milan Kundera's book. I don't know how to decipher why it meant so much. I woke up one day and remembered some things about the past..l. A few moments, a few memories, a few seconds...but it lasted in my mind almost forever.

Maybe at that split second, these special moments had touched something inside of me that triggered to open a space in my mind that holds on to these memories. Those that linger, those that make it seem like yesterday...

Of all the millions of seconds that passed by my life, I get to recall a few special moments...how interesting right? The feeling that lingered during that time...initiated a momental bliss...where there is no space and time.

Tamed?

2008-11-03T05:49:00.000-08:00

I was on the phone a while ago with our client as she was explaining to me why I should change the nationalities in my report..one of them was Filipino (which I'm fully aware of this since I am one!). She asked me to change it to Philippine (as a nationality? why????)...I was pretty dumbfounded because I never seen it spelled like that..made me wonder should I correct her because I should know better or let her do what she wants since it's her report to study after. I was really itching to correct her but maybe I may be wrong, I just swallowed my reply and just pretended like I know nothing about it...

Then it hit me....I became the nonchalant robotic worker who chose not to rebut anymore...I just accepted everything even if it pissed me off...

By the way, I made my first remittance..I am a certified OFW! ha! Though I just transfer to my own bank account, it felt good because I know I helped my country A BIT! hahah but while falling in line (not a short one I would say), then this guy slowly cut my line! I was pissed but I don't want to make a fight (I felt more like a foreigner with people I used to seeing back home)...They would think I'm Singaporean because I look Chinese, some would stare as I speak Tagalog as if I had stepped into a forbidden realm...maybe it will always feel that way since I am Chinese living in the Philippines....back to the guy, I was meditating if I would scold him but after 2 minutes of debating in my mind...i came into a conclusion that I shouldn't bother...it will just waste my time, my effort and destroy my mood...I focused on other things...other things..

Official Google Blog: What are you going to be for Halloween?

2008-10-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

I am such a party pooper, I declined my friend's invitation yesterday to join a Halloween party in one of the bars in Clarke Quay. I honestly didn't have a costume in mind that I can wear to feel the celebration. I haven't had the opportunity to dress up as anything. I do imagine myself wearing a school girl outfit but I don't think I can confidently carry it (I know it does not look scary at all)

Well, I think a lot of people would have the slightest idea what they should be wearing.
Official Google Blog: What are you going to be or Halloween?

Maybe I will just let kids dress up next time. They look cuter not scary!

Stay Away

2008-10-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

The song grows on me..this one came from the episode I recently watched in One Tree Hill. I really don't know this band until now..but nevertheless...the song is good!

by Honorary Title

Are you not the slightest bit confused?
Just the truth
The speed at which we move blends so well
It's too soon

Separate yourself from what compels you to relinquish us
Push your way on to me, entirely
Stay away from me, stay away from me now
Less you gonna see, less you gonna see me out

No, I can't dance less it's slow or sad
To a song that's far less obvious
You using me, do it slowly
Make it last until I have to go

Trust me when I say just a few more weeks
Don't move
Resist temptation
Or do you see fit, just choose

Separate yourself from what compels you to relinquish us
Push your way on to me, entirely
Stay away from me, stay away from me now
Less you gonna see, less you gonna see me out

No, I can't dance less it's slow or sad
To a song that's far less obvious
You using me, do it slowly
Make it last until I have to go

No, I can't dance less it's slow or sad
To a song that's far less obvious
You using me, do it slowly
Make it last until I have to go

No, I can't dance less it's slow or sad
To a song that's far less obvious
You using me, do it slowly
Make it last until I have to go

Stay away from, stay away from, stay away from me

Stay away from, stay away from, stay away from me

Stay away from, stay away from, stay away from me

Cartoons I miss

2008-10-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

Back in the old days....was it so long ago??

I remember the time I was still excited over Cable as I surf through the channels until I felt sleepy already..there were so much to watch as my virgin eyes would capture as much new shows as I can. There were dozens and dozens of new shows that I hate to miss because of overlapping schedules..(Jem and the Holograms, Tintin, etc). Then came those Anime which was action filled and the story line was more complicated...I watched them religiously. Bombarded with so much new shows, the Disney cartoons I used to admire lost its charm.

However, not so long ago, I visited Disneyland in Hongkong..and boy I reminisced ardently...I remember being happy after watching a classic Disney movie before...the likes of a good old fairytale story really makes me dreamy. Recently, my colleague bought us some paper clips with disney characters..I then remember Chip and Dale who were one of those lovable characters I enjoy watching. Ever so cunning, these two would usually bully my favorite Donald Duck~! I do wonder if children nowadays watch classic Disney films like Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast..they might not have the best graphics but still, they got the good old feeling of Once a upon a time..

Burn after Reading

2008-10-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

My cousin invited me yesterday to watch Burn after Reading for free care of his company Lucasfilm (yey!)

I didn't want to expect anything but by the looks of short article about Brad Pitt taking a comical role in this film, I wondered how good the story might be...(It's Brad Pitt!!!) My assumption was it must have been worth it to take this kind of Indie film seriously by actors such as George Cloonely and Brad Pitt...

So here's the actual feedback..it was a weird film..it was kind of dull in content but was funny enough to make me want to finish it. It had been a long time since I had a hearty laugh (well, Entourage and How I met your mother also makes me laugh this hard)...While having dinner a while ago, I tried very hard to explain the storyline to my room mates..but I gave up and keep telling them the bottomline...(very spiderweb kind of interrelationships)

The storyline might be pathetic but it made sense to me (in reality, some people do live in a nonsensical kind of life with hopeless complications) It's a time off the seriousness of working too hard or too..dull (like me I must admit!)

Let me plan through my weekend..and maybe I might have those exciting days I'm always hoping for!

Tripping

2008-10-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I remember to check some hotels we would be staying in Cambodia in my next adventure...I got to borrow the Lonely Planet Cambodia that I haven't had the chance to read yet. My usual travel buddies (R and B) are also that excited...I searched through various websites like Hotels combined or Zuji so far, I saw a lot of cheap hotels we can book. I'm still debating if we should pamper ourselves or go on a backpacking trip. It's supposed to be a vacation, but I'm sure, I'll be very tired...no time to rest because of walking around. This is not my favorite task on planning for the trip so I'm so thankful that very efficient sites are available just a click here and there, no more the hassle of calling travel agents.

The last trip we had in Hongkong and Macau, we were able to book our hotel online! So far, no problem yet though some sites do give out discounts so better check a lot of sites to see which ones are the cheapest. The cheapest I remember which was very good was our hotel in Bangkok, called Grand Watergate hotel. We used Asiarooms for the previous booking. The hotel has a very nice location plus nice ambiance in spite of really cheap hotel price! If I remember correctly, it was around 40sgd for 2 nights already. I got more money for shopping which made me happy! I’ll be going back Bangkok next year for a quick stopover before going to Krabi...I’m sure I’ll recommend this place to stay. Ekkk…still haven’t decided any hotel for the Krabi trip…hope it will be cheap so I can enjoy other things beside the bed. Just hearing the waves can relax me already..I do prefer lounging outside the hotel to be able to explore. Oh well…

Back to blog hopping of travel sites...hope I can plan the trip smoothly!

Lazy weekend

2008-10-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

I watched series the whole day yesterday..such a lazy day right? Anyway, I need to relax before I drain my brain again next week (I need to do a stupid SP report which I don't quite understand yet). Anyway, we have a new colleague coming so I hope she can adjust well. Soon, I'll be off in my work for a new start. I didn't say I'll quit yet because I need to find another first. I'm finding my pace, when I'm free I can go learn something new and maybe I can be confident in another round of job interviews.

I need exercise soon. I think I'm getting fat! Ok...not that kind of fat but I want a flat abs. I guess I eat too much tidbits or I usually sit a lot. Wahhh!!! but my work is like that..grrr...I need a plan before next year. I don't know if I should inform my parents that I'll be going Thailand again by Chinese New Year...They already feel I'm using up all my money here. I told them I still have! I think I'll wait for the bonus I deserve before I leave...hopefully it's more than 1 month!

I'm excited actually for my last trip of the year (going home for xmas is not counted). I'm doing a Lara Croft end of November. HAHA! Actually I don't have enough leave but I don't care...I'll think of a plan how to finish off my project then slip out of work for 2 days..if they repremand me, I'm fine. coz I'm quitting soon!!

Great news from Dishwalla

2008-09-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

Dishwalla is back after 3 years! I hope they have some World Tour I can watch..hopefully here in Singapore!!!
I came across this as I recall a song of their called Somewhere in the Middle...it's a bit sentimental if I tell how I love this song...

I love the way they sang it...

Well, I hope they'll have good new songs..I'm downloading their free album on their website now. I'll listen to it later! Waahoo!

Bad Dream

2008-09-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

I currently here in Malaysia (some last minute project that I don't know how to do yet)...Oh well..I haven't had much sleep because we arrived at around 4am..and I could not sleep in the car! I keep turning and turning...but I could not find my place. Anyway, we were suppose to check in YMCA unfortunately the only available rooms have no toilet inside...in short..we need to use common toilet! So my boss decided we stay at our office for the meantime. I wasn't able to sleep well because our cushion was just that of the sofa. I slept for 3 hrs I think but it was not ok....I dreamt about ghosts...and it's quite scary that I was also praying while I was asleep to supposely keep the ghost away from me.

Anyway, I hope we will checking in a better hotel soon..I don't to sleep here again..I think this place has those bad spirits. This is quite an secluded area. This trip is quite hassle for me because I'm pressured to do my best about something I have no idea yet. I know I can do it but I don't know how high the expection of the client is..I just hope not that high..I only know so little.

Inspiration

2008-09-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

I recently have a habit of ranting about work and in so far that I remember, I just become irritated about some "people's" actions. But nevertheless, I shrug most of them off and I think ranting was the outlet (sorry for my housemates who need to listen to me)...

It was like a pimple which you notice one day, then it will grow slowly until you wonder if it was there in the first place. A habit is hard to break...so easy to take...

I don't want to make these things like a big part of me...I will try NOT to rant about work. I will try to appreciate the challenges that I would be taking..I will try to smile even though I think no one can help me at work. It's not my life anyway. It would not matter a year after...I know!

Anyway...I was browsing Friendster (which I rarely do because I prefer multiply/facebook), I get to see my crush's account. He was quite fascinating before and up to now...he still is. I want to personally get to know him but heck..he's in Copenhagen! Waahh! Well..I'll just check his profile from time to time.

So so so...he's my inspiration...whenever I see him, I see a whole world ahead (a BIG world) so to speak...I want to see the world through his eyes...so now my wish is...to meet him one day and really be his friend haha!

Dusk

2008-09-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

I miss seeing the sky turn orange red...it's like the heavens are orchestrating how the sky would turn itself into a beauty. I rarely see these happen here..

It hits me from time to time...I am not sure if it's just a mood kind of thing. Maybe I stay late in the office for the longest time...maybe I need a break...or maybe...I just need to be back home?

Beautiful Mess

2008-08-30T00:34:00.000-07:00

This is so beautiful.. soothing and romantic...sang by Jason Mraz

BEAUTIFUL MESS

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shouted cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

Midsummer rain

2008-08-24T02:38:00.000-07:00

It's been raining for last 2 days here in Singapore. When I look out the window, I see big drops of rain falling from a blanket of grey clouds...and I remember Manila. A weird realization that I feel nostalgic whenever it rains, it's like I'm back in school that upon hearing the sound of rain outside half asleep, I am part blissful that the possibility of school being canceled is upon reach.

Well, the difference here and back home is that it won't ever flood here because of their almost perfect water system. Kudos!

By the way, Starbucks Singapore had made my wish come true. Read my story here.

Back to lazying around, I feel like...unexplainable. Maybe next time. I just want to rest...rest...

How to be nasty

2008-08-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've always been very patient with people...not just patient..I am very understanding. I tend to put myself in other's shoes most of the time, analyzing and justifying their actions to make excuses for rude behavior. My colleague once told me why I seem to be very calm and I don't seem to get angry at people even though they are at fault. It made me think about how I am...am I that patient? that kind??

When I'm not ok, I know I get to be very very silent. I have this look that says "don't mess with me now or else"...honestly I don't bite people, I just say insensitive things at that time and I wouldn't care for once. But the after effect of these, I feel guilty.

I don't like this reaction. I want to get rid of feeling guilty most of the time...why should I be kind/nice to everyone?? Just last Friday, this girl barked at me on the phone without even reading my sms to her which I clearly stated SUNDAY not Friday for the venue of the restaurant for my friend's birthday. I gave the phone to my other friend because I don't know why she was pissed on the phone. I didn't say Hi to her when she came nor did I look at her. I don't like people assuming then blaming people who are not at fault. Unfortunately for her, I wouldn't care for her anymore nor will I try to be chummy. I might not act nasty and pick a fight at you, but I keep these in my mind for quick reference on how I treat you. I'll flash a fake smile when I meet her.

Nasty people don't deserve any good treatment. Even our clients, there's this guy I think is gay who would usually bitch around but let me tell you, he is a BLUR! (a Singlish term) He thinks people should understand him by context and assume things he said but heck, I want black and white because we don't want to be blamed in the end. I felt bad my colleague was the one who got barked at...though in some parts, it was my fault. Oh well, I won't stay that long anyway. So I'll listen but won't take it seriously. So much for being accountable and responsible, it's overrated!

Paulo Coelho

2008-07-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

He's the only one I truly admire. He's not a just an author, he is a messenger of the Universe. Reading his books reminds me to go back on how I originally view the world. This might sound new age, but I always get a feeling how mundane and frivolous everyday life can get, and I need to always regain some energy back into my spirit.

Do you also feel that way?

I close my eyes and just imagine my favorite quotes being whispered to me as the gentle breeze playfully touch my face.

“Do not try to explain feelings. Live everything intensely and treasure what you feel as a gift from God.” Brida

"When you want something, the whole universe conspires to help you realize your desire.When you want something, the whole universe conspires to help you realize your desire." The Alchemist

"At every moment of our lives, we have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss." Eleven Minutes

"It hurt when I lost each of the men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it." Eleven Minutes

"In this world there is always one person waiting for another, be it in the middle of a desert or in the middle of a big city. And when those two people pass each other and their eyes meet, past and future lose all importance, and the only thing that exists is that moment and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun was written by the same hand, the hand that awakens love, and that makes a twin soul for everyone who works, rests and seeks treasures under the sun. Without this our human dreams would make no sense" The Alchemist

There are times I wonder how this moves me in a way I couldn't explain. The soothing voice summons my soul to be strong in my pursuit for purpose and happiness despite struggles of knowing, identifying everything to fit living life. I often stare out the windows and observe the surroundings with longing. I see nature unfold its infinite beauty...it's mysterious, nostalgic.

I have this personal theory on inspiration. Inspiration for me comes when I least expect it. It pulls me to love what I will be doing in a crazy fervor. It's ultimately different from being motivated. I can easily motivate myself. With gentle reminders of things to do here and there, I can blindly follow to finish tasks upon deadline. Motivation pushes me to do things. Inspiration pulls me like gravity.

However, this doesn't always happen. I am still waiting for inspiration to come to me and stay. Maybe with that, I can create something worth sharing to the world. Just like Paulo Coelho, as how he is to the world, a burst of inspiration for wanderers of life.

Unsatisfied

2008-07-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking about quitting my job. I don't hate it if the system is great and my boss would urge me to think that I'm doing this to help our clients. But they don't care, they only care about money and I hate that! Why should I care if they don't. I know I have this weird system in me...probably if they give me a huge pay increment, that would motivate me to swallow my dreams but I doubt! They're actually earning more because I'm there (yea...I'm being paid less because I'm a foreigner and a fresh grad to top that). They take me for granted and I can't wait to give my letter of resignation and see the look on their faces. Seriously, I didn't feel that before because I care for each project I handle. They didn't acknowledge how good or bad I'm doing and with that, I feel like I'm a robot doing some kind of routine for them. It's not a healthy feeling...

They may treat me well personally...but I don't feel any growth at all...I want to quit. I want CHANGE. Hopefully my PR application will be faster. I dread that I have to face all the crap before I can go.

Pondering

2008-06-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

I watched the beach and heard the waves some time ago..in some place where it seems so sad (Desaru Malaysia)...I never experienced that in the Philippines...because everyone has this happy aura with them back home.

Anyway, I usually have this soothing feeling whenever I'm near the open sea..it suddenly feels like I'm just an insignificant speck in the vast universe/world. I always wanted to fulfill something bigger than myself but I haven't found it. Guess I envy other people when they say they found their calling/mission in life.

"What is mine?"

Working more for me is not a purpose but only a way to earn money...traveling for me is a way to satisfy my curiosity and adventurous spirit, I have no talent, no unusual skill I can contribute to the world..so I often feel small.
I have this itching feeling of being useless (not really about myself to my work/personal life) but more on my purpose in this world. Am I weird? I see a big whole rather than just mind my own life. I can' t even openly tell that to people because they would think of me as weird/bizarre. So normally, people can go on with their life just minding their own progress?

We get to be born, we get to eat, walk, laugh, be fed up, watch nonsense, get married, have kids, have problems, buy a house, buy cars, buy expensive good then what?? Die?

I know people have Faith to turn to in times like this but maybe it isn't for me yet. Let's see a few years from now....maybe I can find my purpose.

Buffet Mentality

2008-06-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

I know someone who enjoys eating buffets. There's really nothing wrong with enjoying the variety of food which it seems that you get some value for your money with these choices. However, I just wonder why he prefer that with everything else. Well maybe because I don't have a big appetite even if I want to, maybe for them eating juicy slacks of tenderloin steak or plateful of sashimi equates to epicurean enjoyment of food. With so many choices, I think it does look like value for money for people who loves to eat.

But I wonder....Is the pleasure from eating one type of dish less than feeling full after excessively satisfying your appetite?

They say different strokes for different folks so I stop myself from commenting how weird it seems for me how one can schedule buffet meals during weekends. I'd rather travel, learn and enjoy our cultures than munch on same type of food every week (anyway, that food won't even last inside my body and from my memory span, the impression of the taste will probably last around 2 weeks..)

With all the choices, maybe all we need is one perfect dish which will linger in our memories...

Mac lovin this!

2008-06-16T04:38:00.000-07:00

Yea! I got to buy my own laptop (well, first time for me to buy something really expensive by myself)..MACBOOK!

Not sure if this is a spontaneous decision since my Powerbook G4 crashed for the second time, I think it was a sign to buy the new one I'm dying to buy for so long. So now I'm literally in debt for the next 12 months. Of course, I could have paid straight without carrying the burden of constantly reminding myself to save up but then again, how can I resist the 0% interest, additional costs absorbed by that store. Well, I got my value for money. Now, it's up to me to control myself. I'm being spontaneous sometimes...at worst times..I want so many things now! That's why I don't like visiting malls...

Anyway, I had this contract with myself to save up by researching on investments. I now hold the responsibility to research this. (I need some form of "carrot" so that I can concentrate). I'm too excited with my new computer that I end up wasting a lot of time on it. I haven't installed the few goodies I'm waiting for the longest time to use.. (PHOTOSHOP!) Now, I should be motivated to update my blogs more often! I want to buy a new camera..(the irony of being in a camera business is that I couldn't really beg my dad to give me a new camera because he would argue it will soon be replaced by a new model, thus leaving me unsatisfied for the most part). I want the latest but I also want the classic. (IXUS VS DSLR)

Enough of killing my savings for the month. I still have to pay a huge amount of credit card bill....

Vanity

2008-06-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

I'm really drooling for this blush! Tried it from my friend who visited here from Cebu. Fantastic blush! But not available in Singapore..Grrr....

I'm never a fan of Smashbox since I find it too expensive but heck..can't believe there is such a thing. Imagine being called an "intuitive blush", it highlights your natural blush color..coolness!

This will be in my wishlist for now..I'm itching to buy this when I get to visit Hongkong soon! (Waah..August seems too far away!) Patience...patience.

I need to plan for my Macau-HK trip soon..another budget trip but loads of shopping! I'm aiming to buy dresses (my goal this time is to look girly for a change!)

Awhile ago, I was in G2000 with my friend Berns..well, I saw a lady trying a dress on and how I envy her that she looked so sophisticated without trying too hard. I see a lot of "ladies" around Raffles and I envy them.
I opt to change my style into a chic classic. Down with being so casual all the time!

Peculiar

2008-05-29T04:32:00.000-07:00

I had to make sure I have the evidence before proclaiming something that sounds so unbelievable.

ANTS IN OUR HOUSE ARE COMMITTING SUICIDE..for reasons I don't understand.

I would always leave a bit of water on my mug every morning. Whenever I go back home, I would see ants swimming inside...I really wonder why..is the water here in Singapore sweet? Or are they starving in our house that they couldn't take it anymore thus resulting to mass suicide every time.

Tagged

2008-05-21T05:03:00.000-07:00

My friend Veron has tagged me for this, so I'm just going to answer (maybe it'll make me look interestingly weird!)

Random 10 about me:
1. I don't like routines
I have this nauseating feeling whenever I get the feeling I'm like the guy in Groundhog's Day. I can't stand routines! So I counteract by doing something different everyday like choosing a different path to go to work, changing my perfume daily, eat something different for lunch etc.

2. I love multi-tasking
I adore doing things simultaneously (though it might seem that I always spread myself thin thus not excelling at all). I think my attention can last for 3-4 minutes per thought. I usually surf, chat, listen to music, work at the same time. And so I love Mac's F9 function!

3. I dream incessantly
I dream everyday (do we all!) but I can always remember my dreams if I want to. That's why sometimes it feels like I never slept at all! grrr! Top this with daydreaming and imagining a lot of things.

4. I can't live without music
This is an exageration however whenever I'm alone, I prefer listening to my Ipod. I almost listen to music 24/7. While I'm working, I listen to my ipod all the time (good thing I don't need to talk w/ anyone else while working)

5. I'm a wallflower
Some people don't believe this, but naturally I'm a wallflower. I like being in the background. I don't like speaking most of the time, I like listening to people more. Even when commuting, I would go to the last part of the MRT where I know few people go in..maybe this is the not the characteristics of a wallflower, but I think so hehe.

6. Travel is my most expensive hobby
I think travel is my "prozac"..I plan beforehand and enjoy every bit of adventure my friends & I have...may it be going to some wild Patpong adventure in Bangkok or food trips in Cebu. I know this is killing my savings account but heck! we can't be forever young!

7. I doodle a lot
When I hold a pen/pencil and paper, I can't help but doodle! It feels like an impulse, even if I'm in an important meeting, I would draw/doodle something while listening. Hope they won't find it disrespectful, I just can't help it :(

8. I am forgetful
Actually I am not exaggerating. I have a hard time recalling things that happened already especially when it's not documented by photographs. I need pictures to remember! It's all a blur in me...it's like I scavenging memories from a very deep basin of hodgepodge nerve cells. My poor memory can cause me to look at people with a questioning look whenever we reminisce old times..Sorry. I don't mean this.

9. lazybone=efficiency?
Some people see me as lazy..I don't deny this. But I guess being lazy has perks. I tend to think of ways to do things faster. I think of efficient ways to save time (or have more time bumming around) ha! I actually teach people how to do things faster...I get irritated if they do "long cut" versions.

10. I strive to be creative
I still think being creative is uber cool! if you create something, you enjoy how people seem to get inspired by your creation. And that is fantastic! Well, I wish I have that talent...maybe I can force it? ughh....how??

Waahh..I really have a hard time collecting 10 facts about myself. I never see each of these traits as unique on its own..I guess if you mix this all up...it equates to being me.

Smitten

2008-05-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

I can really be a fanatic! I remember watching Takeshi Kaneshiro in his movie Chungking Express. I'm not really an art film fan because when you watch the movie, you might mistake it for an art film (directed by Wong Kar Wai who wouldn't wonder). As an actor, he didn't just play the character, he became the character! The depth he portrayed made me wonder if he absorbed it to much that he lived it after all that.
I sound so smitten right?? Well, maybe I am. I love to know someone like him. I came across his old diary website which he doesn't update anymore but was translated by a fan. I have this notion that actors are just shallow people who can mimic characters written so I was surprise he wasn't as vain as people will assume he is. He showed how he is also same as us...wondering, thinking. I think he can be a great writer if he can put his thoughts in writing.
You can take a look at his site that was translated from Japanese.

Iron Man

2008-05-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

I remember Robert Downy Jr. in his movie Heart and Soul and loved his humor since then. Surprisingly, he proved himself versatile after all these years. He was the perfect Tony Stark! Just like Christian Bale as a perfect Batman! The story was realistic. I don't quite know the real story as one told in comic books. I like the special effects plus he looks so intelligent making such a machine in a cave! Genius!

This movie reminds me of another favorite, Transformers. Robert really brought his humor in this movie, thus making his character charming in all aspects. I don't know if this will have another part 2 but at the end of the credits, there's this thing about SHIELD and something about AVENGERS. Can't wait for the next one. By the way, I don't like Gwenneth as Pepper. She looks..older now.

Indulge

2008-04-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

I did notice how I start to love giving myself something to indulge upon.

The word indulgence has a negative connotation to me because I remember what we studied in history before. Indulgence was an act or remission the Roman Catholic Church would grant to devote sinners who want their sins to be "forgiven" which is more on bribing in the Middle ages.

Indulge. People say you should pamper yourself once in a while. Eating your favorite ice cream, or just eating out to try some expensive restaurant for a change. This is indulgence nowadays. Well, it is my first time to earn money full time while working for someone. Thus, I get to be excited whenever it's nearing salary period (which is once again few days from now, yey!).

I'm starting to think about what to buy for myself next month, but then again, we'll be going to Cebu to surprise my friend on her birthday. When will I be able to save enough money to invest! (oh no! am I running out of time?) Hmm...being indulgent has a thin line between being materialistic. I'm really a practical person come to think of it. I weigh the pro's and con's of buying something expensive to see if it's worth it. I'm not used to shopping in branded stores nor knowing the difference of a LV monogram or speedy. I'm a cheapstake person...but I love buying more out of my hard earned money! Even eating out here in Singapore, we would always try to budget our weekend treat to less than 20sgd a meal! I don't like shelling out money for expensive food, because I would rather save them to buy something I can use for a long time. (Then, I imagine my mom nagging me to eat healthy food so I won't regret about my health after all this...true..but..still..)

I confess though, the indulgence I see myself not regretting at all is traveling! Already booked a trip to Macau this Aug! I'll be lurking over travel blogs soon to see what adventure we'll plan there! Need to save for Cambodia this October...ticktock..do I still have a long way to go?

Unnecessary expenses

2008-04-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

Here's something I need to rant about!!

Two weeks ago, we just moved in our new house also around Toa Payoh (the residential area I grew to love) but there are lot of hassles. How I miss having guy friends around to help us! Imagine...we went back and forth, carrying luggages going down the flight of stairs (from 3rd floor). I was really nervous that my luggage might break cause I was literally dragging it down ( I couldn't carry the 20+ kg luggage plus a whole lot of paperbags!) And so, we hailed taxis back and forth to save money supposedly but heck...it was darn tiring! Could have hired a Lorry which might save the trouble of going back and forth plus big guys helping us move! Yikes...talk about ineffeciency!

Then last Friday, we had to hire a helper to clean out the cabinets in our kitchen which was full of frivolous things of our landlady but we need some space so we decided to let someone move them cause there's so much to clean after. We didn't have enough place to keep our food! The maid was very talkative..she charges 10sgd per hour which was fine with us (took her 3 hours to finish which I think because he talks too much)...however at the end, we didn't realize she broke the toilet flush! We couldn't say she need to pay up for it since we discovered it at the later part already. I hated the fact that we were googling the dual flush system on a Friday night just to figure out how to connect the tube that was disconnected.

Grrrr...still we couldn't figure it out so we called up a plumber the very next day. He quoted that the fee would probably be around 45-60sgd. He was really fast in coming also not yet 5 minutes, he finished the task already! And he charged 60sgd for connecting a tube!!! What the!??!?! I mean..stupid marketing trick is saying the lower price but charging a higher one after the service!

I don't buy it! It's really bugging me how we spend so much on something that wasn't supposed to be. Could have eaten buffet somewhere with that money! We always think how we can save living here in Singapore but in the end get ripped off by some people....really really really....argh!

Chatuchak paradise

2008-03-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

Chatuchak is the famous flea market in Bangkok. Known for it's wide variety of items, the weekend market can really shock a first timer. I love flea market or 'tiangge' in my native language. I love haggling but to some extent only. I'm not usually the stingy buyer, I would haggle reasonably.

In Chatuchak however, I wasn't able to haggle much cause they already gave a reasonable price. If you buy more, they'll give you bigger discounts (unfortunately, I bought one here and there).

I was amazed seeing a whole lot without much repetition so I love to come back soon! I saw art pieces I wanted to take home but they're huge! I want one for my room back home...I'm itching to decorate long ago but I never saw the perfect showcase until the ones here.

I have to go back to get more stuff. Imagine buying shirts for 150 baht while dress costs around 200 baht. It's really cheap and I love it! I also saw cute puppies! But I wish I can buy and take care of them all unfortunately I quit raising dogs until I can honestly give them some TLC (tender loving care).

I want to go back!!! Let me gather more money and deprive myself of shopping here in Singapore so that I can shop all out in Chatuchak maybe mid year!

Kite Runner

2008-03-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

I saw this book long before but I was hesitant because it looks like a book about war in the Middle East. I bought this book as a gift for my room mate because I saw a lot of reviews that it is good. Kite Runner which was written by Khaled Hosseini is surprisingly good.

The story revolves around two childhood friends Amir and Hassan. At first, I had a lot of questions on my mind that I didn't get why the two boys have a different lifestyle. I don't have any background about Middle East, the culture etc. But the book showed a bit of interesting things.

Somehow, the author described the exact feelings and amazingly you can put yourself in their shoes. It was sad...and you also well up when things go wrong and you ask yourself, "Can this really happen in real life?"

I don't want to spoil the story but one instance I remember, when Amir was describing how he felt whenever Hassan is in the same room with him...he feels that the oxygen inside the room is slowing depleting. A good way to descibre guilt or anxiety. I didn't like how it ended but it goes to show that you don't always have the chance to say you are sorry.

I like the first part of the book but was disappointed on how it ended. It was like a movie type finish. But still, if it didn't end that way, then it would probably be cliche-ish. I watched the film version and I must say, I like the book much better. The actors didn't do well portraying the emotions the character in the book felt. It was bland for me. But at least I got a peek of the culture and also the actual kite flying.

Overall, this is a great book! Four out of five stars.

Bangkok: Spice your tongue!

2008-03-13T00:35:00.000-07:00

SPICY, everything SPICY!

This is the impression Bangkok left me everytime I visit this place. I love green curry and hate that my stomach gets weird whenever I eat spicy! But I couldn't resist trying these in Bangkok...I dared!

The best Padthai we tried is served at a small cafeteria inside a busy Chatuchak market. Since we were famished after a whole morning of shopping.

We also ordered Tom Yam which was quite nice but still very spicy for my taste. Good thing I can just try a bit cause we ordered for the 4 of us.

But this salad made my friend, who is a avid spicy eater say: "I give up!" I wanted to eat more, but my lips are burning already plus it was starting to get numb.

MY FAVORITE DESSERT:

Sticky Mango Rice ..this is by far the best local dessert I tried in Bangkok. The mango tastes so fresh and the sticky rice mushed with coconut milk...heaven!

I regretting we only shared one order along the streets of Khaosan. We also tried street food like some noodles they cook right in front of you.

Too bad time wasn't enough to discover the must-try's of Bangkok.

Ayutthaya

2008-03-09T23:42:00.000-07:00

Ayutthaya is one of ancient ruins located an hour away from Bangkok, Thailand. I'm not quite familiar with the history of Thailand but I read in Wikipedia that Ayutthaya was once a kingdom. When the Burmese invaded the Ayutthaya, they destroyed almost all of the kingdom thus this sad place.

There were also a lot of Buddha(s) beheaded as I feel it was a sort of disrepectful act they can do to the kingdom as Buddhism was already an official religion.

There was one Buddha head among the roots of a very old and large tree. Tourist like me even have to almost kneel to take a picture as a sign of respect.

This is quite an amazing experience though it was very hot that day. In my mind, I already imagine how this place looked like hundreds of years before. Sad that it was destroyed...present day people like us couldn't enjoy the splendor and artistry of ancient people.

Sights of Bangkok

2008-02-10T23:40:00.000-08:00

My Bangkok trip was a blast. The scorging heat didn't stop us in enjoying the unique structures of Bangkok. During our first day, we were able to explore places near our hotel plus take their skytrain. But this was our first and last because the next few days, we just rode the taxi instead (Cause it's more value for money!).

The taxi in Bangkok are colorful, not the usual yellow cab which is interesting. Our first stop was a mall! MBK and Siam Center (which is the heart of their shopping district for branded ones).

We had to visit the usual tourist places like the Grand Palace. The golden structures helped in brightening the place as well as making us feel like we're in an oven! Also, there are strict rules regarding clothing when entering this place, it demands respect, I think it is acceptable!

We also went to see different Wat(s), their word for "temple" in Thailand. As Buddhism is the main religion, people gather there to pay respects. We went to see the famous Golden Budhha in Wat Pho. We were stuck inside this building since we had to take cover from the hard rain that striked.

While we were inside, we tried this cool coin dropping thing inside the temple. I wasn't able to find the meaning of this, but we just followed people and made a wish while dropping several coins. I hope it was for good luck!

Our adventure didn't stop from here! I'll gather my thoughts first!

Sense in..

2008-01-26T23:33:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel that sometimes, you wish things will just stay as it is? When you're having fun, it's always as if it is so ephermeral. You would want to grasp the moments by your side and wish you can absorb the feeling and somehow when time passes by, you can just bring it back instantly...

Right now, I'm planning for different vacation leaves. And though I know, it will definitely bore a hole in my pocket, I still want to go. I want to be in that state where I can't think about other things that will make me wish life can be easier. I'm not melancholic nor depress, but sometimes, I do feel very empty. It might seem that all my philosophy in life have this selfish thought of wanting to be happy for myself. Is it human nature.....to be selfish?

I want many things in life...But last Sunday Mass made me realize something (it has been a long time since I attended one) After the mass, there was a lady who spoke about her missionary work in the Philippines (it wasn't really new anymore since it's my hometown). But what really bothered me is that why can't I be selfless like her? I mean, volunteering your time and efforts but not feeling the burden of it. I did went to several charity works for my college organization and also some subject requirements, I don't feel so passionate about it though. Is it because we are often thinking we haven't reached our own eternal joy/ bliss so you can't give this to other people?

I actually envy her...she found joy in her life.

I'm still waiting for my own calling. Maybe one day, I can be selfless. I sometimes ask my friends if I'm good...Good is relative.

If I make other feel better, am I good? If I treat everyone fair, am I good? If I give alms to the poor, am I good? If I am friendly with everyone, am I good?

Maybe next time, I would be able to know the answer. Just like the song, "Some day you'll know". Problem is, I want to know now! Oh well......Patience is virtue.

Something about me

2008-01-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

well, this is a game my friend Soph posted in her blog.

Here are the questions:
1. I’ll respond with something random about you.
2. I’ll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I’ll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something that I’ve always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

Answers:
1. You are so Korean :))
2. Sassy Girl. Kelangan pa ba imemorize yan?
3. Chocolate! Guess why!
4. Players only love you when they’re playin` yeah ( Dreams )
5. Getting flustered over some boy who teased you while
we were having our prayer before class ( remember who ? )
6. Rabbit
7. WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK TO ME!

It's actually fun learning other's perspective about me...

Strange habit

2007-12-25T07:31:00.003-08:00

My love for solitude hits me from time to time..Right now, I was left alone in the company of myself in this supposed festive season. Honestly, this doesn't bother me at all. It doesn't really scare or bore me but rather it is the time that forces me to think, daydream or lay around staring at the ceiling. Though this might sound so anti-social, I think otherwise. When you work, you don't really think about your life..more on your work and what needs to be done to improve your performance. You find a way to immerse yourself in the workplace and mingle with officemates. With friends, you tend to talk about anything under the sun, gossip around with the latest news on people, their relationship, family, work etc. You can also talk about what happened in the day and how embarrassing that happened on the street. With family, you talk about business, relatives, stuff at home, siblings.

Back home, I would like to go up my favorite place in our building. It's up the roof deck where the water tanks are. I make up excuses to get up there (most of the time, I tell my mom or dad that I'll be brisk walking back and fort to keep myself fit) but I would be indulging in the company of my thoughts. If it wouldn't look so weird, I would have placed a mini lounge area at our roof desk. I love looking up in the sky and staring at the stars infinitely. I feel at peace whenever I look at the city skyline. It just felt like I'm just this small person in the vast universe that whatever that happened to me is just part of the act/play of the universe. I feel the connection to the world which sounds new age to other people. I just love to think about things...life...people..earth...vague ideas. I would be with my Ipod , listening to meaningful songs to drown out other sounds...it just feels private...the songs seem like speaking to me with secret language that can only be felt by those who understands.

This is one of my personal secrets.

Lovely (center of my universe)

2007-12-12T00:49:00.000-08:00

by: Michelle Tumes

You're the sweet dreams that soothe me
When I can't fall asleep
You're the field in the middle of the city
When I'm rushing by at the speed of light
You're the strong resolution when I find no peace
You're the church bells ringing in the evening
When all is quiet You whisper comfort
That lifts my heart
I get so weak

Chorus:
Ooh You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe
A thousand times I look around me and I find
Ooh You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe
A million ways could not explain
You're lovely

You're the soft words that touch me
When I just can't speak
You're the breeze on the ocean in the morning
Reminding me to greet the day
You're the flowers I remember seeing in Italy
Colors through a golden haze
Bright and radiant, soft and fragrant
In the noon day sun, it makes me sing

chorus

I understand there may be grief
And there may be pain
But I'm aware You blind the darkness
With Who You are

Because...

Xmas around the corner

2007-12-05T22:03:00.000-08:00

When I was still young, few months before Christmas, I would already feel the season in the air. and while years pass by, the excitement seems to drain out of body. It's not the usual Christmas feeling I love.
Does getting older puts out the magic of the season?

It's already December but still...there's no holiday spirit!

Maybe there's no gifts to look forward to? Or festive food to eat (lechon? BBQ?) Argh..i miss the feeling...I miss being young!

Just this morning, I think I drank coffee..and I got so anxious! I'm not immune to coffee anymore...waaaahhh...what's with my system?? Confusing...it's not stable anymore. I just discovered that my stomach isn't having agreements with curry anymore but what about the one I love?? GREEN CURRY! But last time I ate in China...I was fine! I think the Indian curry made my stomach confused!

I want to make a wishlist for XMAS..even though I'm not really feeling it:
1. APPLE IPHONE --I know my phone now sucks big time (nokia 6230), though I'm not ashamed by this..I still wish for better things..I must be ready to get used to not having a keypad though.

2. MACBOOK---Ok no doubt I'm an Apple fan...so put this on my list..My g4 hard drive crashed..and now I'm just using my company's laptop..I miss my old one huhu :(

3. PERFUME---I'm spotting for a new perfume..still undecided

4. KIEHL'S LIP BALM TINT -- I'm eyeing this as a gift for myself!

5. SNOW -I want to see snowflakes again.. :(

Resonating poem

2007-11-19T09:52:00.001-08:00

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

Focus

2007-11-15T01:22:00.000-08:00

I can’t stand routines! I have this hatred with the ‘systems’. I’ve always want a flexible everything...but of course, it is not possible. Friends say I have this tendency to shift attentions instantly…and they equate me into a perfect specimen of an ADD person. And I would really ask them if they do what I like to do…For example….I love to have multiple open websites to check all at the same time (that’s why I love MAC laptop...I just press F9 and all the windows will appear and I only have to choose what I want among them). I like to message a lot of people at the same time. I can also listen to music while reading a book or doing a report (I actually prefer this because I won’t get bored at all!)

So focus is a problem to me…hmm...some people will diagnose me as a person who wouldn’t know how finish tasks but I think otherwise. Maybe I’m not really a ‘typical’…maybe some negative traits for others are positive in my case….Subjective is always safe.

Right now, I try to focus on one poem to practice the art of meditation. I made this into my wallpaper…I got it from my friend as he lent this poem for his close friend who’s getting married (I added Van Gogh's Masterpiece):

Beautiful isn't it? It's rather interesting to relate abstract notions into a more abstract (descriptive) approach. There's something vague that becomes beautiful...you get to feel the poem....feel the words rather than understand them..and I love it!

Random survey

2007-10-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by my good friend Soph so I have no choice but to answer (obviously to kill time)...

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Soph
2. What were you doing at 0800? sleeping
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Eating lunch
4. What happened to you in 2006? Went to Beijing to study, also went in Boracay with friends
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? Hoy!
6. How many beverages did you have today? Fruit shake and water
7. What color is your hairbrush? I have none, the effect of curly messy hair ahaha
8. What was the last thing you paid for? Nada
9. Where were you last night? at home, watching series
10. What color is your front door? Green
11. Where do you keep your change? wallet
12. What’s the weather like today? Cloudy
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Vanilla
14. What excites you? Traveling
15. Do you want to cut your hair? I'm still thinking about it...
16. Are you over the age of 25? Nope
17. Do you talk a lot? I don't but I think a lot haha
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? My friend's HR manager
20. Do you make up your own words? Rarely
21. Are you a jealous person? I think I can be :)
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. Alex
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. Katherine
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Donna
25. What does the last text message you received say? Some advisory
26. Do you chew on your straw? Sometimes
27. Do you have curly hair? Yep
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Singapore
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? I don't want to remember
30. What was the last thing you ate? Noodles
31. Will you get married in the future? Hope so
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? Ratatouille, Ever After, Pan's Labyrinth
33. Is there anyone you like right now? Hmmm...
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? Last month
35. Are you currently depressed? Nope
36. Did you cry today? No, why would I?
37. Why did you answer and post this? For sophie hehe

I guess this ends here :)

Social Norms

2007-10-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

There are some things that control us and it is unbearable to see how we notice it yet we seem to let it rule over us. I know how interconnected people are and we have our own opinions but sometimes these opinions get to us and we get bothered by other's judgment. I admit, I still get bothered but I learn to cope by being numb. But you see... by adjusting this way, I become something I shouldn't be. Learning this kind of coping mechanism, I deviate from being the caring person that I know I am..all the "good" qualities I know I have.

When do people know the limits of these negative patterns?

There's this BIG separation between my ideal and my reality. I want to be ideal but some part of me thinks that I'm being naive and impractical. People will talk..people make comments that can hurt sensitive folks. Ideal "me" is I think, the natural self my soul wants to portray...but how can I be natural in this world full of logic and judgment?

I don't like social norms. I don't like following so many traditions that it makes no sense anymore. I don't like to show people how worthy I am to be noticed.

Even we, ourselves, make our own limitations. So how do we stop? When do we get to step back and reassess our lives? I believe in doing it everyday, I don't want to wait for some quarter-life crisis or mid life crisis to take effect in the natural flow of human development before I get to realize how I can be so much more than what I even just think.

But I'm not an extremist who wants to be different all the time. Being special is not really my goal in life, I just want to know how much potential I can get out of my own self.

Maybe I'm partly a hypocrite... I keep ranting but I still follow the norms...how ironic.

I admire people who understand me without me explaining a whole lot just to get through to someone..I just have a hard time articulating how I feel...

Witch of Portabello

2007-10-10T07:06:00.000-07:00

I was ecstatic seeing a new while browsing the bookstore one day. I was book-famished since it had been a long time since I bought one. The indigo color shouts "enchanting" enough to catch my attention. It is Paulo Coelho's new book and in my mind, I was deliberating if I should buy or wait till Powerbook's sale. And I let it pass but wa-la! My friend H's friend let her borrow her copy of the book. To cut the long story short, I got to read it few days back.

New books give me new insights and it's quite addicting to learn from another perspective. I love Paulo Coelho's books, my favorite is still Eleven Minutes. So it was must for me to read Witch of Portobello.

In this book, the main character is Athena who is an gypsy orphan adopted by rich parents. She seemed to have a good childhood, she grew up smart but she was overly passionate about things. She was a rebel of reality. An unusual woman who made a difference to the lives of people around her.

The book's perspective is interesting seeing other characters' perspective on her and their feeling as well. It showed how she made an impact in their lives, good or bad. Here are some of the excerpt:

"People create a reality and then become the victims of that reality. Athena rebelled against that—and paid a high price."
Heron Ryan, journalist

"I was used and manipulated by Athena, with no consideration for my feelings. She was my teacher, charged with passing on the sacred mysteries, with awakening the unknown energy we all possess. When we venture into that unfamiliar sea, we trust blindly in those who guide us, believing that they know more than we do."
Andrea McCain, actress

"Athena's great problem was that she was a woman of the twenty-second century living in the twenty-first, and making no secret of the fact, either. Did she pay a price? She certainly did. But she would have paid a still higher price if she had repressed her natural exuberance. She would have been bitter, frustrated, always concerned about 'what other people might think,' always saying, 'I'll just sort these things out, then I'll devote myself to my dream,' always complaining 'that the conditions are never quite right.'"
Deidre O'Neill, known as Edda

I personally like it but surely I need to reread to absorb the lessons of the book: love, sacrifice, passion, joy. There's something mystical about this book and I'm sure that those practical readers would likely diss this book for its vague description of situations. Some things were unclear but I didn't try to over-analyze the situations presented. This is fiction after all.

Amazingly, Paulo Coelho have more interesting description of love. One line that struck me was its last line when asked what is the meaning of love? Well...:

"Love simply is."

Hear Me Out

2007-09-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered a very good artist, Frou Frou. You can hear her songs in series like Grey's Anatomy. I have two songs I like, Breathe In and Hear Me Out and I'm currently addicted to the later. Here's the lyrics:

"Hear Me Out"

I join the queue on your answerphone
And all i am - is holding breath
Just pick up i know you're there
Can't you hear - I'm not myself

Oh go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be - just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up - this sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling
Just hear me out - i'm not over you yet
It's love on the line can you handle it

So how do i do normal
The smile i fake - the permanent wave of
Cue cards and fix it kits
Can't you tell - I'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings - and fingerprints
I don't - wanna feel - anything
But i do
And it all comes back to you

So listen up - this sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out - i'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line can you handle it?)

So listen up
Look at me straight
Just hear me out
Don't make me wait
I'm not myself
I can't take this
Love's on the line
Is that your final answer

I join the queue on your answer phone
And all i am - is holding breath
Just pick up i know you're there......

So listen up - this sun hasn't set
(I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling)
Just hear me out - I'm not over you yet
(It's love on the line can you handle it?)

Alone

2007-09-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

Being alone...seems quite lonely for some people but there are times, the anti-social in me would love the feeling of being alone for a while. It brings me peace and silence is my companion.

These are the time I hope I can do a lot more but my mind would race and I end up doing a little bit of everything but reaching the end seems to be impossible for the day. Even if I don't have someone to talk to, I would be thinking about a lot of things and I can't even control them. The freedom away from others is very addicting and for others, it would seem so boring. Being alone with my thoughts, I introspect to the point that I couldn't stop anymore. Situations would run to my thoughts, and worse, the past would haunt me. Is it bad?

Part of me would say it's good being able to recall some memories, well..at least it hasn't fail me yet. But there's is nudging feeling of what ifs...I've done most of the things I would hesitate to do, but those what ifs are that of "what if I did this instead of that?"

Argh....so I'm somewhere in between...being content and being curious. When I still feel empty and as Paulo Coelho has said...these "Blank spaces". I want to do something more..I want to make an impression on the world!

HOW?

Forget me not

2007-08-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

I stumbled into a korean movie which is one of my favorites, A Moment to Remember. My Itunes shuffled its way to a song in its Original Soundtrack. Nothing special really...but it feels so peaceful hearing the man sing...even though I don't understand the lyrics of the song, I can feel the emotion that guy is trying to project.

The movie is fictional but it can happen to anyone. The story seems to be like the that of the Notebook but the girl is still at her prime. Can't believe that there can be a guy like that...the grief he would feel. Can you imagine someone you love forget you ever existed. How reality can change if one's memory got lost..unfair right?

And this got me thinking, since I also have a bad memory...what if I'll lose mine? In psychology, there's this disorder called Dissociation where the person compartmentalize their traumatic memories or disquieting thoughts from normal consciousness. But this is an acute disorder rather than the normal. I tend to forget memories often..it's hard to recall stuff when I try so hard. Hmmm..hopefully I won't be one of those Alzheimer's patients. Well..good thing I have blogs to take note of what I feel that moment. It helps when I want to remember.

Because I'm a girl

2007-08-17T04:48:00.000-07:00

This Korean music video is really bittersweet. I can't seem to stop myself from another addiction. Honestly, I don't understand the lyrics, but music video really captured my heart. Can't imagine that there's still a guy like that anymore. It's already an old song, but heck...I still love listening to it. Brings back old...feeling.

Panic!

2007-08-15T09:52:00.001-07:00

Have you ever felt so swamped with problems you need to solve altogether but you can't really control the outcome anyways? Argh! Today is the day I feel like an adult! Living away from my parents never really bothered me. In Beijing, I never felt I couldn't handle things (then of course maybe I was just a student there). And now...I'm in Singapore...it makes me feel helpless at times there are so many procedures I need to follow ( in terms of prerequisite for Work Pass). I'm suddenly stuck in the rut because I couldn't get out of a wormhole.

First, my passport is nearly expired. So either I renew them now (causing me to flush S$ 150 off my budget which I can renew for more than half the price back home..). Next, my application for S Pass which I have no idea what requirements I should have, the HR girl is not quite familiar with the procedure I suppose. I couldn't butt in because she might think I'm a know-it-all. She didn't let me sign anything! How can I apply for it when I saw in the website that I should fill up a form!?!? If I needed to take a certain exam, the company is withdrawing their offer since they can't wait that long for me to be approved, they need people ASAP!

Second, I can't make up a plan to go home because I start. I'm suppose to get some stuff for our new rented house (which still is another bunch of headache). I don't want to sound pessimistic, I just can't move all of a sudden. If it was basely on my actions, I would have done what I should in due time! So now...all the problems keep pouring in. Now I understand...how hard it is to be independent.

The journey continues....

Btw, I always check out this site for new job postings:

In the sun

2007-08-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

I'm so addicted with this song right now. My friend Haze shared to me a song from Grey's Anatomy which vehemently became my LSS (last song syndrome). The version of Chris Martin is the best!

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I don't know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what its for
Any more than me

This song seems to hymn inside my soul..you can feel the song echo something to your heart. And somehow, this reminds me of bittersweet memories. And I wish I could have a background music whenever a need one. Imagine this song playing at the exact "dramatic" moment in your life...Maybe it's not all in the movies.

Blogging addiction

2007-08-13T05:25:00.000-07:00

My first experience as a blogger was way back in high school. I registered in blogspot and other free journal sites. It was just a phase where I just wanted to make an electronic diary since I don't like writing (cause I wouldn't be able to read it anyways..I'm a messy writer). It was just a hobby turned into a habit to purge out my emotional angst.

Well, just a year ago, my friend Soph urged me to develop own domain websites/ blog instead. We both research thoroughly since it's one way to earn money through the internet when I usually bum around most of the time. Finding a niche that you would love to write about it hard. It's easy to be interested but hard to keep that interest running passionately.

There were few failed attempts but they didn't stop us from trying. So now I run blogs and websites.

Chocobay -- about my love for chocolates,
usually about my favorites and recipes you can try at home

Beijing Travel Bug -- about my experience in Beijing and a lot about places I've gone through, restaurants I've tried, shopping experiences, studying Mandarin, Olympics 2008 updates etc.

Freebies Central -- collection of freebie links where you can receive free samples around the globe

Vanity Vibe-- beauty blog partnered with Sophia and Roanne

Well, hopefully I can gain from this addiction!